the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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