Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
