I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
