i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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