I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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