i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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