You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
