I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
