he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
