It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I love you.
Bad choice
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
