Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
