I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize