Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
