walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
