Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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