just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
false alarm, still single
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