it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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