My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
