Old men and throwing up are my life now.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish my penis had a tongue
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
