Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize