So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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