Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
