Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
What a dumb baby whore.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
