PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
