My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
