Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish I only lived at night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize