I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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