apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
