Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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