Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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