I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
