he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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