she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
