i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
