i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
