I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
