I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
