I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
