I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
