If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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