I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
