we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ๐๐#pensacolaproblems
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so letโs just shut it down right now
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