I have demons in me.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
