I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
