Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
