Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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