She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
