Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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