the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
