You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
