Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize