I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
