I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
