woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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