if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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