she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
