Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
