He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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