eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
