Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
